Hi there! It’s the Groundskeeper. Wow, this is so cool. I survived my first night on the job and you all seemed to love my story, so here I am, writing about more of my days. It turns out the checklist they gave me when I got hired only touches on the most common things that pop up here; there is so much more to tell, and since I’m still very, er, green, I’m sure there’s lots I still haven’t uncovered. I was a disaster and made a giant mess of things after my first night, so I want to talk a little about my clean up, but before we dive in, I just wanna drop this here button that will send you the very first entry of the story of my first night. If you haven’t read it yet, you can find it here:
To be honest, I have no idea what I’m doing. Management didn’t really give me any information; all I found when I walked into the employee hall on my second night was another folder with my name on it in the break room with a letter of congratulations, and offer for promotion, and a new key card. But I’ll get to that in a moment.
I guess I should start off with some grounds rules, right? Because of how, well, strange this cemetery is compared to, oh I don’t know, all the normal ones every where else, I think a set of proper guidelines will be a good idea. Don’t want any guests just wandering off and disappearing, do we? If you’re coming to the Necropolis to attend an event—funeral of otherwise, more on that later—the please follow these rules:
1.
Stay with your party. I mean it. Adopt the buddy system and do not wander around solo if you have to wander around at all.
2.
Touching things can have unintended consequences. Listen, I’m new here. I don’t know what those consequences might be, especially since—given what I’ve already dealt with on my first night—the consequences may be different for everyone. I’m not saying don’t touch anything, I’m just saying nobody knows what’s going to happen if you touch something you’re not supposed to.
3.
Avoid throwing anything into the large pond north of the main mausoleum. This includes anything you might be tempted to give the creatures that live there.
4.
The park, er, I mean, the cemetery, closes at dusk. You do not want to be here once the sun goes down. I understand there are some things you’ve gotta find out for yourself, but this is not one of them. If you’re caught here after the gates close, you’ll be assigned to re-interring the zombies. If you think I’m joking, please read the entire chronicle of my first night, linked above. Trust me when I say this is for your own safety.
5.
LEAVE THE GREEN MIST ALONE. The green mist rolls through harmlessly during the day, but you can get wrapped up in it if you wander into it. I was advised to leave it alone when I started, and for good reason, so I’m passing this on to all guests. While I doubt sane people will not willingly approach a strange green cloud, I’m well aware not all people are sane.
6.
And speaking of the green mist, unattended children and unruly guests will be fed to the green mist. No exceptions.
I think that covers everything. I’m going to have to post these somewhere, because not everyone will read the pamphlets, I’m sure. A nice big sign to point at when someone says or does something stupid and tries to feign ignorance. I’ll figure this out shortly.
Now, let me share with you how I managed to deal with those pesky bodies of the creatures that closed my night out …
If you recall from the end of my tale, I was floored by the third and final creature, having fought it like a damn boss in a video game. Sitting there on my ass, a black car rolled up, and I didn’t know it at the time, but I came face to face with The Emissary. It’s a long story about how I learned about The Emissary, which will have to wait for another day. Anyway, I’m sitting there with creature guts all over me, and he’s frowning, so I think that’s it for me. How does that one song put it? I tried so hard, and got so far … but in the end, he was impressed! He nodded at me with that frown and moved along.
What a mind job. Let me tell you, it took me all of five minutes to register that I wasn’t fired. In the meantime, he had driven on to park outside the mausoleum, and other people were arriving, with the gate clattering open every time another car rolled up.
I picked off some of the bigger chunks of the dead creature, moved what remained of its tongue off my lap, and got back up on my feet. I had to do something about the body of the creature lying in the road, but had no idea where to begin. At this point, I thought this is pretty much what my whole job was going to be like: not having a clue about what to do about anything and having to figure it out. With a sigh, I walked over, grabbed the creature’s hind legs, and dragged the body to just behind the employee hall where I find the bodies of the other two creatures shoved against the wall. Well, that’s convenient. I looked around to see who brought them here but saw no one. I dropped the body I dragged there on top of these and went inside.
I’m beat. I’m covered in dirt, blood, goop, grime, sweat, muck, and guts. I didn’t want to deal with the bodies right then. I need a fucking shower. And I needed to fucking sleep. Since the employee hall is way the fuck out of the way of the rest of the cemetery, I figured the bodies would be well out of sight and unbothered until I could get to them when I came back in the evening. So I swiped my employee card to clock out, watch the screen for confirmation, and then went the fuck home.
Continued below the break.
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An unsuspecting patron steps into an artist’s spell. A standalone short story, available on Apple Books.
When I went back in the evening, I found that folder in the break room I mentioned earlier. The letter of congratulations pretty much said I was the only person to pass the actual interview, which was surviving a single night on the job. A paid interview, basically. And this whole time I thought I was already employed. I would later find out all the other applicants either disappeared or ran away screaming. That little bit of information didn’t surprise me at all, but I do wish I had been warned ahead of time.
Anyway, the truth is a little more nuanced. I was employed, but I was also being monitored. They hired me to act as groundskeeper, with a little “g.” Because I survived, they were promoting me to Groundskeeper, with a big “G.” That’s what the letter of promotion detailed. By swiping my new key card, I would be accepting my role as The Groundskeeper: the Keeper of the Necropolis. What a fancy title. I have never had a fancy title before. And more than that, the amount of money that came with the promotion was eye-poppingly huge!
I never clocked in so fast with a new key card.
The promotion letter also included a list of my new responsibilities—which was basically a copy of the list they handed the day before along with a few more bizarre points, which I referred to above in my list of guidelines for guests.
“Guidelines for Guests.” I like that.
Still, not sure what’s really changed aside from my pay bump and my new fancy title. Seems like I’m just going to be doing the same shit. I feel like I should have been given a ring of antique keys that opened mysterious doors and gave me access to carefully concealed areas that held deep, dark secrets to help me conquer the monsters that plagued the necropolis and keep the grounds clear of supernatural pests.
But no key ring. Just a key card and a letter. It’s fine, I guess. I mean, I definitely will not be bored here.
Now, about the matter of three dead bodies.
After reviewing the materials for my new position and clocking in was ready to handle the bodies. I figured if they came from the mist somehow, I should just be able to send them off that way too, right? All night I waited for the mist to arrive. The first thing I did was gather up all the bouquets—not gonna make that mistake again—and tossed the organic stuff in the compost, the plastic in recycling, and trashed the rest. The cemetery is pretty big, but this didn’t take me very long. I also swept up in the mausoleum nice and early to avoid any other unpleasantries there. And I remembered to bring a hoodie this time, so I wasn’t freezing my ass off. But all through this, no green mist was to be found.
It wasn’t until way after midnight that the green mist finally showed up. And when it did, it barely skirted the edges of the cemetery. I was so annoyed. Still, I dragged the bodies into its path and jogged away so I wouldn’t get wrapped up in it again. The mist came and went and to my great relief, it took the bodies with it. I know, not the most exciting way to handle this gross mess, but it’s a win and I’ll take it.
That’s it for now! Thanks for reading. I’ll see you next week!
Hello hello! Mad Alex here. The Groundskeeper was kind enough to allow me a word. First of all, congratulations to them for surviving their first shift! Now, how many shifts they survive from this point remains to be seen; it does appear this necropolis cares little for the well-being of those of us mortals who dare step foot it in it once the sun sets. This is not to say, however, that you should not visit. We encourage you to explore the Necropolis of Notoriety, a rather, how shall I say, interesting arena of the Carnival of Calamity. Just, please do be a dear and only visit during operating hours.
If you enjoy this story, please share it with your loved ones, undead ones, anyone really. It would mean so much to the Groundskeeper and I. And if you haven’t already, subscribe to the Backstage Pass! We here at the Calamity have so much to share with you. You can subscribe here:
I get it, filling out surveys isn’t everyone’s thing, but you’d be doing me a solid if you let me know how I’m doing. With the Gazette getting started and all, this could be a really great time for me to figure out how to really nail it! But I can only do that if I know what you’re looking for. So what do ya say? Pretty please?
