Hello and welcome to another issue of the Necropolitan Gazette! I hope you enjoyed last week’s issue. Since I’m new to all of this—managing the Necropolis after dark, running this newsletter—I hope you’ll have some patience while I figure out what’s actually interesting to write about when I’m not actively fighting to survive. You see, things are way more boring than I thought they’d be after my first night. But hey, I guess anything would be boring after they throw everything at you on day one, right?
… right?
Oh no, am I just boring? You gotta let me know. There’s some news about some things and then I have to tell you about the keys. So please read on; I hope you enjoy this issue while I have a momentary existential crisis.
—The Groundskeeper
This week, I’d like to announce that management has approved the south rotunda and its attendant lawn for events. I had to let that sink in for a moment when I was handed the notice. And while I have my, um, reservations about how I feel about it, I was assured that this has been planned for quite some time and all agreements around burials include clauses to permit this sort of thing and there is full disclosure about what goes on here and I just don’t how much of that I believe but I’ve been told to make the announcement and be severe about the warnings they provided which are all pretty much summarized in my Guidelines for Guests.
Listen, I know some of you are outright macabre motherfuckers, but damn, holding your wedding (AND the reception?!) in the Necropolis seems … a bit much. But what the fuck do I know; the events areas are booked solid every weekend for the next thirteen months.
Apparently there are a lot of you.
If you want to book an event here at the Necropolis, I recommend doing so yesterday.
Okay, enough with the announcements ‘n shit. I mentioned how mundane things feel after having to fight off and survive cryptids and eldritch monsters. While I didn’t expect every night to be as intense as my first, I didn’t think they’d be so boring.
Every night when I show up to work, I clear out all the bouquets and sweep and dust the mausoleum. First thing, every night. And you know what? It fucking works. No warbling thick-tongued monsters are creeping in to find shit to munch on, and no dusty ghost spiders are hanging around to give me the heebie jeebies when I have to coax a resident back into their tomb. I roam the grounds and give the green mist a wide berth when I see it scuttling through, and I’ve started to figure out the whole inter-dimensional space travel in the employee hall.
This has all led to me feeling like this is really just another routine job. Nothing to see here everyone! Just raking some leaves in the haunted cemetery. Stop by the gift shop on your way out.
But all of this isn’t mundane, is it? I almost died multiple times on my first night, and I think that’s just shunted my reality of what “mundane” actually looks like.
Anyway, I’m sure you don’t want to hear about how mundane my day-to-day is. So let me tell you about something interesting that happened instead.
In the last issue—you can read it here—I mentioned a set of keys, or rather how I expected to be handed a ring of keys but was instead given a new key card. I mean, wouldn’t that be appropriate? Haunted cemetery, old jangly key ring with a bunch of antique keys on it. Seems like it should be a whole package. I didn’t think a Necropolis would so, well, modern. But I swipe my card to clock in and out, the doors have all been updated so I tap to lock and unlock doors, and they’ve even installed a Resident Monitoring System™️ that raises an alert when a resident breaks out of their coffin or tomb. It’s all pretty fancy.
So imagine my surprise when I show up to work the other night and find—you guessed it—an old jangly key ring with a bunch of antique keys on it sitting on the table in the employee break room. There was a sticker tag on the ring with my name on it. Nothing else. No note. No letter. No description. Nada. I’m just expected to know what to do with these, I guess. None of this makes me upset though. While I was confused about the keys at first, my curiosity and excitement took over and I snatched them up without thinking any more of it. I walked over to the employee clock, swiped my badge, and went straight to work with the key ring hooked to one belt loop, jangling as I moved.
It wasn’t until the sun was cresting over the east wall that it dawned on me how truly bizarre it was that the key ring showed up when it did.
Continued below the break.
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An old woman risks a dangerous journey to discover what become of her husband.
A tale from the Odds ‘n’ Endings Boutique.
Here’s why it’s bizarre: there was, as mentioned, my thoughts about such a ring when I was promoted. But more recently, I’ve been thinking about returning to the icy labyrinth under the mausoleum to explore, to really learn my way around, to find out what else is hiding in those hallways. Then POOF, this key ring appears. Doesn’t that seem bizarre to you?
It seems bizarre to me. Part of me wonders what kind of place this really is. A very small part. Teensy, in fact. Because the entire rest of me fucking THRILLED to go on an adventure and figure out what doors these keys open!
Looks like I’m bringing my hoodie to work with me this coming week.
That’s it for now! Thanks for reading. I’ll see you next week!
Hello and welcome, once again, to the Necropolis of Notoriety! This is Mad Alex, once again popping in to provide our dear Groundskeeper support as they handle of the reins of this most terrifying arena. We do hope they get along well enough—they certainly proved they were up for the job on day one!
If you enjoy the Groundskeeper stories, consider coming Backstage and engaging with some of the other attractions we are in the process of building. You can watch as A Vampire’s Vengeance and Bus Driver are carefully constructed, and catch a smattering of other features not available in the Carnival proper. We hope to see you there! Just tap on this button here:
I get it, filling out surveys isn’t everyone’s thing, but you’d be doing me a solid if you let me know how I’m doing. With the Gazette getting started and all, this could be a really great time for me to figure out how to really nail it! But I can only do that if I know what you’re looking for. So what do ya say? Pretty please?
